March 2012
30 posts
6 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: Three cat crazy -- the...
User basics: Female, 24, Leo, doesn’t want kids, multiple tats, septum and lip piercings
First impression: Walla Walla is way more out there than I could have ever imagined. It’s like the Portland of southeast Washington.
-=-=-=-=-
A little Ginkgo biloba and melatonin and you’ll be good to go: (My self-summary) “Hello! I am new to Wallax2. I’m pretty rad. Right now...
February 2012
49 posts
7 tags
The OKCupid users of Walla Walla, Washington
We here at Inspecting Cupid are serious about following up on any promises we make in this blog. Yesterday, we said we’d assess the women of Walla Walla, Washington. Today, we are doing just that. I can haz sarcasm?: [Female, 24] (What I’m doing with my life) “This is going to be a really original answer, but living it.” [ed: Seriously, though — I am so sick of dating...
8 tags
"Oh, Scranton" -- An Inspecting Cupid exclusive
If I were a single female between the ages of 25 and 40 and I wanted to find my soulmate, I imagine the first city I’d search is Scranton, Pennsylvania. Why not? It worked for Pam on The Office. The following profile excerpts are all from men who live just miles away from the Dunder Mifflin paper company.
For starters, I could finally make the big move to Wilkes-Barre: [Male, 37] (I spend...
6 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: Why did I move to...
[ed: Given the “do this one, do this one!” insistence included with this Anonymous submission, we can only assume that the profile’s owner submitted it for review. Even so, no punches will be pulled here (and the passive voice will be used).]
User basics: Female, 25, Cancer, smoker, doesn’t want kids, has cats
First Impression: Off the bat, the profile is highly...
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #12: Has kids. Lots of them.
The photo:
Analysis: And he’s bringing them all to your first date in his kid-powered buggy.
(Just kidding. These aren’t his — they’re his nieces and nephews. Still, though — that’s some wanton exploitation there. If you can’t get a girl with your own good looks — and maybe the good looks of your dog — you might want to reconsider the whole...
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #11: CMD-R. CMD-S. And… You're...
The photo:
Analysis: if you don’t know how to rotate a picture, there’s no way you’re going to know how to put on a condom. Next!
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #10: That's me, and my BFF, and...
The photo:
Analysis: It’s bad enough when a person poses with a friend or two, but when she drops half her graduating class into a single image, things have gone way too far.
(Note the expressions of complete boredom on the two kids in the lower righthand corner. Also note that our subject is definitely wearing the same shirt in at least five of the pictures contained in this collage.)
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #9: This one time at Disneyworld
The photo:
Analysis: I’m with Donald here.
(Pay special attention to our subject’s shirt — “We take drugs” — and what is undoubtedly a Confederate flag on his Mickey Mouse ears).
6 tags
That Matters Most: How not to write an OKCupid...
The offender: Male, 32, Gemini, username includes “pdiddy” in it, loves MacGyver, Phil Collins, and “The B-I-L-B-E” [ed: not sure why people feel the need to spell out words when they’re in a written form — putting hyphens between all the letters only confuses things.]
-=-=-=-=-
To begin: “BEFORE YOU READ THIS WHOLE “SUMMARY” OF ME, YOU...
7 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: Hiding Behind the Honey...
[ed: This user profile was submitted to us for analysis by Anonymous, who encouraged us to “check out this toolbag,” so we did!]
User basics: Male, 24, fluent in English, LISP, and C++, username is a variation on The Honey Badger [ed: don’t click that link]
First impression: The problem is twofold. One, the Honey Badger thing isn’t funny. There, I said it. Troll me to...
7 tags
OKCupid Profile -- You're doing it right: The time...
The text: (What I’m doing with my life) “I finished graduate school last May (I am a painter, and got my MFA). I have had a few shows since finishing school but I make money as a nanny for a four year old boy. I work on my paintings at home, where my kitchen and deck are my studio. In a few months I want to get a puppy from a rescue place and my new obsession is time travel. I read...
7 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: He's a WHAT ninja?
User basics: Male, 30, Sagittarius, Canadian, video game developer, trying to quit smoking, possesses one of the most ridiculous OKCupid usernames of all time
First impression: What’s the username you ask? Well, the first part is a word that rhymes with “slit” and is commonly associated with female sexual pleasure, and the second part is the word “ninja.” Urban...
6 tags
Don't tell anyone -- I shower in the buff, too
The text: (The most private thing I’m willing to admit) “I sing in the shower,I’m a bed hog,I love hard,Love scary movies and sometimes sleep in the buff.”
The offender: Female, 33, Aries, high school graduate, devout Christian, loves Cannon Beach (OR), hates her job
Analysis: This woman is, as OKCupid would put it, “more old-fashioned than straight women her...
10 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: To the people who have...
User basics: Female, 30, looking for males aged 18-99 for new friends, Aquarius, has cats, graduated from space camp (how droll!), and subscribes to both religions and diets that she describes as “other”
First impression: Our subject, whom I’ll refer to as “Vittles” (slang for “victuals,” meaning food, which she says she’s good at cooking), presents...
7 tags
OKCupid Profile Mistakes: Youtube links
Every so often, we stumble upon Youtube videos that seem as though they were made with us specifically in mind, videos that summarize our whole worldview without ham-fisted pretension or gratuitous nudity. For me, the video that best exemplifies this phenomena is Pogo’s remix of Alice in Wonderland (with this video of a kid throwing up during a drum solo a close second).
When we encounter...
6 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: Some dead pharaoh guy,...
User basics: Male, 30, looking for women 21-29 (ouch, dude), Scorpio (yikes!), username is an alternate spelling of Xerxes, designs UIs for an insurance company’s software platform
First impression: Anyone ever see the movie Sneakers? Seriously, it’s the best movie about computer hacking ever, stars Robert Redford, Sidney Pottier, River Phoenix, Ben Kingsley… Jesus, just go...
Anonymous asked: I don't get this blog, so basically you're criticising people who use OKC and happen to fall under certain cliches? I mean, I like poking fun at people as long as it's light hearted...but this blog is pushing it for me. When you start taking people's pictures off the site .... you need to question your intentions.
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #8: My last date is tied up in my...
The photo:
What this means: Not all people who answer the match question “In a certain light, wouldn’t nuclear war be exciting” with “yes, it would” are creepy.*
*Yes, they are.
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #7: *Dam Straight* I only own one...
The photos:
What this means: I’m not the only person who wears the same shirt every day.
Explanation: A man who posts two pictures of himself in exactly the same shirt on his online dating profile will forget your birthday, sleep with your sister, and drink very shitty beer.
(Yes, he’s posed to appear as though he’s looking up the skirt of a mannequin in the photo on the...
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #6: Fashion, a Juxtaposition...
The photos:
What this means: Some of us got it, and some of us don’t.
Explanation: Both of these men are attractive, yet one of these men — for whatever reason — has decided to dilute his dashing good looks to the very best of his ability.
(Hint: it’s the guy wearing a Persian rug as a jacket.)
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #5: Vampires, a Juxtaposition...
The photos: What this means: The awkward twenty-something drunkard you date tonight could be the vampire who models Mikimoto Pearls tomorrow.
Explanation: When it comes to selecting profile pictures, there is absolutely no method to the madness of most OKCupid users. Eschewing the wisdom of “one face picture, one full body, and one wildcard,” people are plastering their profiles...
6 tags
OCD is the new cute
The text: (You should message me if) “If you want, what’s stopping you?
Extra Points If… You are .. You are fun. You are driven. You are cultured. You like to rough it. You are open minded. You appreciate the arts. You love black&white films. You have a good sense humor. You maintain a healthy lifestyle. You have your own sense of style. You enjoy getting lost in the moment....
6 tags
Big F-ing cliche seeks same for humor and other...
The text: (You should message me if) “You’re funny and have a good sense of humor. I love to laugh, but loves a guy who can make me laugh even more. I don’t take things too seriously, I’m easy-going (okay, that’s a lie) but I’m down to earth and interested in meeting someone who’s confident, knows what he wants, doesn’t play games, doesn’t...
7 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: Square-dancing teddy...
User basics: Male, 43, Aries, has kids, likes dogs, has an awesome mustache
Preferably a left tackle, or a defensive end: (My self-summary) “I like football; from high school to pro, in person or on TV. I am into playing sports as well and weight training. looking for someone to share time with and enjoy each others company.
I am hard working, fun loving, and interested.”
Analysis:...
6 tags
Inspecting Cupid Submissions: A How-To Guide
First of all, we here at Inspecting Cupid would like to thank everyone who reads the blog. Without you, our snark and analyses would fall on deaf ears (blind eyes?), and what fun would that be?
This post is for those of you who want to contribute in some way (NB: we love you people tremendously). We’ve received a few submissions already, but also some queries about just what exactly...
6 tags
OKC Profile Analysis: The ambiguity of brevity
User basics: Female, 37, Gemini, has cats, high school graduate, “other” diet and religion
Her pictures: Highly misleading. She has one that looks like a 1940s modeling picture (based on both the fashion choice and the sepia coloration), which she refers to as “one of my modeling pics,” and another where she looks spectacular, but the picture appears to be a scan of an...
6 tags
Guest Post: How to really answer the Six Things...
by Jessica Rionero
Let’s all be real. This question is easy: oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorus.The fact that I have never seen any of these on anyone’s profile makes me wonder if OKCupid is populated only with robots. Anyway, I was helping a biddy of mine update her profile. After four hours, I figured out the perfect formula for the Six Things question, one that would...
8 tags
That's why you're single: An OKCupid Singles...
The text: [male, 26] (My self-summary) “My name is Josh. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”
Why he’s single: I think Josh nailed that one for us. Moving on.
The text: [female, 27] (What I’m doing with my life) “are you kidding me, okcupid?! i thought only my father felt the need to guilt trip me like this…”
Why she’s single: Her daddy...
6 tags
OKC Profile Analysis: If Louis C.K. were an...
User basics: Male, 39, two daughters, Virgo, $250k-500k yearly income, Atheist
His pictures: Not a smile among them. Four photos, all taken with the most serious possible expression. I’m not talking “Bobby, you didn’t do your homework,” serious. I’m talking “Bobby, get in my trunk so I can drive you out to the reservoir and turn the rest of your life into a...
8 tags
Today's OKCupid profile is tomorrow's awful...
It should surprise no one who follows this blog that I am single. I mean, seriously, who would want to date this guy? The way I look at it, however, this time of year that’s a good thing. I have no one to disappoint when I forget her favorite type of flower, or buy her chocolate despite her crippling cocoa allergy, or take her to a Lakers game even though she’s a Clippers girl....
8 tags
Photo Fun Friday #4: Dead animal hats
The photo: What this means: It means there’s a 32-year-old filmmaker in Los Angeles who is good at cooking and ping pong, and he’s looking for a lady friend to share some laughs with. Minnesota Golden Gopher fans need not apply.
Explanation: Seriously, everyone — the Wisconsin-Minnesota rivalry is epic, and every year they play for Paul Bunyon’s Axe.
Now, if...
8 tags
Photo Fun Friday #3: Dr. Abercrombie and Mr. Hyde
The photos: What this means: If a person doesn’t post a picture in which they are smiling, it’s because when they do smile they look like a constipated gargoyle. FACT.
Explanation: We can all agree that the guy on the left is hot, creepy anonymity-protecting stripe notwithstanding. We can also all agree that the guy on the right has a smile that looks like the chapped lips of a...
9 tags
Photo Fun Friday #2: "I won an Emmy"
The photo: What this means: I’m locking my doors tonight.
Explanation: If it wouldn’t result in a stream of TLDRs, I would post this guy’s 2,200-plus-word profile in its entirety, complete with an eleven-part analysis and at least three pie charts. It reminds me, strangely enough, of “Forrest Gump” — the pieces by themselves are only somewhat exceptional...
8 tags
Photo Fun Friday #1: "Charismatic AND Charming"
The photo:
What this means: It means there is a 41-year-old man in Maryland who is looking for casual sex, and he spends more money on finger jewelry than he does on haircuts.
6 tags
5 Quick Translations: OKCupid -- a place for...
The prompt “I’m really good at” gives OKCupid users license to spin elaborate yarns about their talents, feign modesty to win points, or baffle people with their obscure skills. I’ve always thought of it as a great place for users to reveal their senses of humor (which is why the answer I provide only includes my most trivial abilities, such as “philatelism”*...
Anonymous asked: I think you might be wrong about the 89475 question, but please explain how you got your answer.
6 tags
5 Quick Translations: OKCupid goes to the movies
The text: [female, 21] “the orphanage, stay alive, zombieland, we bought a zoo, and more”
What it means: “20th Century Fox planted me on this site as part of its direct marketing campaign for We Bought a Zoo.”
(Hey, Vizzini — do you think a 21-year-old girl from New Brunswick actually saw We Bought a Zoo?)
(Thanks, Vizzini!)
+=+=+=+=+=+
The text: [male, 40]...
6 tags
OKC Profile Analysis: Youth is wasted on the...
User basics: Male, 18, clean-living high school student, Virgo, username composed of his first and last name, looking for friends, short-term dating, and casual sex. Oh, and these are his user pics:
Now take a moment and imagine what his profile will look like. Have a good idea? Great. Let’s continue.
For the colorblind among you: (My self-summary) “My name is [redacted]. I am 18...
6 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: Get Shorty
User basics: Male, 33, Oakland, 5’6”, non-drinker, Gemini, cloud computing consultant
Best foot forward: (My self-summary) [Includes link to YouTube of his singing “Straight Up” while accompanying himself on guitar.] ”Regretfully, I won’t be selecting any more stunning beauties. The clones around LA were fun, but I’m here to meet the right girl for me....
6 tags
5 Quick Translations: I was only following orders
The text: [Female, 26] (My self-summary) ”My name is Christina. I like partying, raves, loud music, Jack Daniels, mary jane, and I might even like you too.”
What it means: “My name is Christina, and my friend made this profile for me while I was passed out drunk on her couch.”
The text: [Male, 31] (I spend a lot of time thinking about) “When you realize how small we...
6 tags
I'm just learning how to learn about learning
The text: (What I’m doing with my life) “Trying to learn as much as I can about myself. Learning to love myself and others, judgement aside. Looking for someone to take this journey with me. Living a day at a time and enjoying what I have, not dwell on what I want and cannot have. I guess what it comes down to is this…. What I’m doing with my life is learning to take it at...
6 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: The Introvert Advantage
Our very first user analysis request! An exciting day here at Inspecting Cupid, to be sure.
User basics: Male, 21, lives in a small suburb of Sacramento, Pisces, INTP, agnostic, smoker, musician-artist, doesn’t have kids, nor does he want any.
Profile highlights:
(My self-summary) ”I’m a nerd in a leather jacket. None of the shit I put here will matter, it’s not me....
6 tags
I'm looking for a short-term casual penpal
New friends. Short-term dating. Long-term dating. Activity partners. Long-distance penpals. Casual sex.
Six checkboxes. Infinite meanings. Let’s examine a few (assuming single/available users).
If he’s looking for short-term dating and long-term dating: he’s a commitment-phobe who knows most girls aren’t going to go for what he really wants: a four-month affair during...
6 tags
I like breathing air. Because it's free.
The text: (My self-summary) “I like music, movies, and books. A lot. Sometimes I watch trailers in my free time. A lot of them are better than the movies they’ll become.
I got my degree in English and moved to LA aspiring to act and write. But I’ve only been writing since I’ve been here. Because it’s free to do.
I love playing guitar and piano. They’re free too....
6 tags
He's the (second) most interesting man in the...
The text: (My self-summary) “I specialize in making bad decisions that somehow work out. I quit high school. I became an intern at NASA. I make video games for a living. I drive a convertible with the top always down, even at night in the rain. I climbed through a bus window in Japan to escape a mob of high school girls. I played trombone in two swing bands, one salsa band and two...
6 tags
"I'll quit while I'm ahead."
The text: (You should message me if) “You will bypass stupid time wasting questions I will never answer like how my weekend was and get to the point and ask me out on a proper date. And by proper I mean: I didn’t drive there, the venue has food/ booze and possibly even entertainment :-) Near Sunset/ Vine means I’ll walk there. That also means if you are less than 6 feet tall...
6 tags
We all have eyes. Most of us have smiles.
The text: (The first thing people usually notice about me) “My eyes and my smile.”
The offender: Everyone without a modicum of creative ability; well-endowed women.
What this means: Absolutely nothing, except that if you marry one of these people you’ll be spending the next fifty years telling them exactly what to get you for your birthday because they won’t be able to...
6 tags
Ur future. You mean "your"? No. Ur.
The text: (My self-summary) “SERIOUS INQUIRES ONLY***) I’m 30 yr old single well-spoken confident motivated ambitious driven determined successful GOD-FEARING MAN . I’m in a great space mentally physically mentally and emotionally.The qualities I possess I expect the person I am getting to know to have the same or more. I’m seeking a beautiful intelligent educated women who...
6 tags
A serious hydration crisis
The text: (The six things I could never do without) “Chapstick.”
Relevant example: “Toothbruch [sic], Chapstick, Music, Friends, being close to a body of water, summer and a camera.”
The offender: Nearly 17% of the women on OK Cupid. And this 20-year-old dude in Muncie, Indiana who likes Star Trek (but only the original series).
(Above example lifted from the profile of...
