March 2012
30 posts
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #30: Pics or it didn't happen
The photo: Analysis: If you spent three months building houses in Sarajevo, you don’t need to include a picture of yourself covered in dirt, dust, and shrapnel. If you run marathons, there’s no reason to show us what you look like at mile 24, nearing death, exhaustion, and loss of bowel control. Finally, if you went sky diving for your 25th birthday because your BFF bought y’all...
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #29: He's the original Luigi
The photo:
Analysis: Nothing says sexy like a 40-year-old dude licking his lips. Except, perhaps, a 40-year-old dude licking his lips while wearing a Luigi costume.
Though Luigi is taller than Mario, and not betrothed to royalty (albeit fungal royalty), I have it on good authority that he’s a pederast, and a rather incompetent plumber. Hey, at least Yoshi’s good at his job.
The...
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Photo Fun Friday #28: I've always wanted to date a...
The photo: Analysis: I’m not into mohawks and leather jackets and creatures who can inflict both melee damage and ranged damage (seriously, Shamans are the shit, or so my World of Warcraft-playing father tells me), but I’m sure some girl might be.
The photoshopped blur effect has got to go, though.
9 tags
Photo Fun Friday #27: Katniss Everdeen called --...
The photo:
Analysis: If this is your main (and only) picture, you must include the following words and phrases in in your profile:
Falconer
Archery
Trail running
Iceland
Hunting
And — of course — she does.
7 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: Cheese and Dinosaurs
User basics: Female, 25, Capricorn, Bostonian, mostly vegetarian, lover of dogs, hater of cats, owner of a username including the dreaded “-osaurus” suffix
First impression: A reader submitted this profile for review with a barebones note which read: “Just look at every picture…” And, yes, that sums up this disaster pretty well. We were greeted with this:
Who could...
7 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: I hope you LOL'd!
So, not four days ago, a reader submitted a profile for review, one replete with angst, anger, and a list of seven things he hates about the women he meets on OKCupid. Gold by any standard, especially ours. Sadly, either our subject wised up, or someone alerted him of just how bad he sounded, and so he fixed his self-summary. Thankfully, by “fixed,” we mean “improved...
8 tags
Photo Fun Friday #26: Real lobster, fake terror
The photo:
Analysis: Lobsters, despite being crustaceans, are actually wonderful house pets, ranking somewhere between mid-level dogs and potbellied pigs. They’re clean, hypoallergenic, and can learn up to fifty words.*
Always be mindful that when selecting pictures that show your “fun” side, your “fear face” — as it’s known in runway modeling —...
9 tags
Photo Fun Friday #25: What also floats in water?
The photo:
Analysis: Is it me, or does that duck look like it’s half a second away from clawing that poor girl’s face off? Anyway—
Dog pictures show compassion and a sense of adventure. Cat pictures reveal a love of books and sweaters. Even fortune-telling chickens have their place. But ducks, especially ducks desperate to escape to the nearest Subway (where ducks eat for...
8 tags
Photo Fun Friday #24: Is that a…?
The photo:
Analysis: No. It’s not an orange-tipped penis. But if you’re slightly far-sighted and/or squinting/viewing this picture on your mobile device, there’s a good chance you mistook that gentle goose’s face for the procreative end of the less fair sex. Yikes.
The moral of the story? Always rotate your photos, kids!
(Or, you know, eschew phallic animals when...
10 tags
Photo Fun Friday #23: Yakob, the fortune-telling...
The photo:
Analysis: Last week’s Photo Fun Friday series included two dog pictures. This week we feature four users with less conventional animals accompanying them.
Our first subject is shown here consulting with a fortune-telling chicken she met while in Istanbul. He told her she wouldn’t find true love on the internet. But then she figured, “hey, he’s a chicken...
6 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: An exceptional sense of...
User basics: Male, 32, Capricorn, “other” religion, looking for women aged 21-30 for “new friends” only
First impressions: Mm. One of those guys in his thirties looking for a girl in her twenties, tacitly revealing that he lacks fundamental emotional maturity and/or is only looking for sex. This is going to end well.
-=-=-=-=-
Did you say “douchebag”? I...
10 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: Fancy Feast is totally...
User basics: Female, 24, Leo, working on the college thing, allegedly fluent in LISP, 40% of her user pictures show her with a cat, awesome septum ring
First impression: This, like our old friend the Honey Badger, is one of those tasteful theme profiles, but it’s more subtly executed and its themes more varied: cats, David Bowie, and The Office. A three-trick fun pony, she seems as though...
8 tags
Photo Fun Friday #22: She was here a minute ago
The photo: Analysis: For those of you who haven’t read OKCupid’s photo policy, it goes a little something like this:
“You must be in the photo! Full nudity, extreme close ups, pets, cars, baby photos, artwork, images you’ve added yourself to, etc. are not allowed. Rule breaking photos will be deleted.”
This photo violates three of those prohibitions.
First, that dog is...
9 tags
Photo Fun Friday #21: He's usually such a nice dog
The photo: Analysis: My pace quickened noticeably when I first saw this image, but not for the reason you want your pace quickening while perusing a dating site. No, I did not find myself strangely attracted to this mittened Ignatius J. Reilly look-alike and his rabid dog. I was, in fact, terrified. And I’m not the only one — look at that expression of fear on our subject’s...
10 tags
Photo Fun Friday #20: Somewhere Ansel Adams is...
The photo: Analysis: Absolutely killer rule-of-thirds action here. Whoever took this photo should be hired immediately to teach Photo 2 at Santa Monica City College, or at least given a $50 gift card to Red Lobster. I’m especially impressed how he managed to catch that passerby at such a dynamic angle.
Wait, what? You’re saying she’s the subject of the photo? And this is the...
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #19: Charlene Yi called -- she...
The photo: Analysis: First, it’s unclear from this photo whether the user is male or female (photo was submitted by a reader without a username). Not a good start. Second, I’ve played well over 10,000 hours of video games in my life, on systems ranging from Coleco to PS3, and I have no idea what this costume is supposed to be. Third, THIS IS A DATING WEBSITE. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG...
8 tags
"I'm long-winded and I have cattitude!" -- How not...
If your profile is over 1,000 words long, odds are slim that anyone reading it will actually make it to your “You should message me if” response. If they do, you better have cookies and milk waiting for them, or at least a bucket of Red Vines. Today’s subject, a 30-year-old female from Los Angeles, offers neither, but she does provide plenty of fodder for our inspecting eyes.
...
6 tags
It's Friday night -- And the mood is right --...
TGIF.
Remember when Friday nights were simple? You’d come home after a few hours of roller hockey at the local elementary school, order a pizza topped with everything but anchovies, and watch Steve Urkel snivel and snort his way into Laura Lee Winslow’s heart. Those were the days.
Now you slave for The Man, making coffee, updating actuarial tables, and figuring out how to help...
6 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: Like Midnight Cowboy,...
User basics: Male, 18, Cancer, “very serious” Atheist, gay, and — despite pictorial evidence to the contrary — describes his body type as “a little extra”
First impression: I have to imagine that there exist many things easier than being a outwardly gay teenager in the bustling metropolis of Oswego, New York. For example, lifting a car over one’s head, or...
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #18: Cook her before you eat her
The photo:
Analysis: Concerned the “squatting on the toilet” shot might turn off potential suitors, Sarah* opts for the “squatting on the oven” shot instead.
*(Not her real name, obvs.)
[ed: Why is the apartment so sparsely decorated?]
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #17: Check out my computer's...
The photo:
Analysis: Nothing says love like getting stabbed in the head with a ceiling fan.
[ed: You don’t have to be Ansel Adams here, but you sure as shit can do better than this, guy.*]
*(Fun fact: that sentence works with or without the comma preceding the word “guy,” though its intended audience changes significantly.)
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Photo Fun Friday #16: Look, man -- sometimes they...
The photo:
Analysis: The eye bar is there to preserve facial anonymity. The waist bar is there to preserve pubic hair anonymity.
(+1 for his tremendous physical shape. +1 for the bathroom self-portrait. +1 for the best wallpaper ever.)
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #15: F*#$ Halloween -- I'm going...
The photo: Analysis: Did it hurt? Did what hurt? When you fell down from heaven and crushed that poor elephant?
6 tags
You want to know the first thing I learned in...
Earlier this week, we here at the Inspecting Cupid offices received the following email from a reader:
“I feel sorry for this guy. No shame in being a virgin, but this isn’t going to help him with that: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Mike_Schultz”
Though we prefer to slice and dice the OKCupid users whose profiles are buoyed by the perfect mix of egotism and insanity,...
6 tags
Dark lurid fantasies tied up with strings, these...
If you think about it, the “most private thing I’m willing to admit” prompt is truly bizarre, both on a semantic level — by virtue of one’s willingness to admit something on the internet, the label “private” ceases to apply — and on a functional level — why the hell would one want to admit secrets on a website perused almost exclusively by...
6 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: You ruined Settlers of...
User basics: Male, 28, agnostic, masters degree, includes C++, LISP, and Farsi among his languages, squinting in all his profile pictures, only looking for new friends [ed: friends with benefits]
First Impression: Even the attractive guys on this site are total disasters.
-=-=-=-=-
Put your best foot forward, or in your mouth: (My self-summary, part 1) “i live in a shoe. i store my sanity...
7 tags
What does the F in Plenty of Fish really stand...
Just under a fortnight ago, a reader submitted a POF (Plenty of Fish) profile for review, with the following comment: “She’s gross looking, errr, classy. She also managed to dive head over heels for a pure loser…allegedly.” She also made it really easy to find her OKCupid profile thanks to a misspelled Greek word in her POF profile, and as a result, we were able to find out that...
9 tags
Photo Fun Friday #14: It's a bird, it's a plane,...
The photo: Analysis: This picture warrants the close analysis usually reserved for art semiotics classes. Some points of interest:
Our subject lives in Georgia, which makes this an NYC tourist shot, which makes him an NYC tourist wearing a Spider-Man shirt. While not as egregious as an “I ♥ NY” T, it’s a sure sign that this guy is willing to walk around Cancun with a...
9 tags
Photo Fun Friday #13: Of all the gin joints in all...
The photo: Analysis: OKCupid is really at its best when people use their profile pictures to showcase their friends’ burgeoning photography careers. Extra points if the photo is clearly staged (90% likely with this one).
Here our user is either going for Rick Blaine (Casablanca, for those born after 1990), or Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl, for those born before 1990), both historically sexy...
7 tags
Sleepless in San Diego: OKCupid users we could do...
By reader request, we continue our geographical survey of OKCupid users by examining the sleepy beach community of San Diego or, as I like to call it, North Tijuana.
I’ll take “Perfect Men” for 400, Alex: [Male, 22] (I’m really good at) “Video games haha. And I’m a history guy so I might be able to help you with your history homework. Or winning Jeopardy at...
