April 2012
20 posts
7 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: "You are the 99%" Part 2...
Remember that one time you finally decided to date that person you’d known for six years but never taken seriously because they made too many bodily function jokes? It seemed like a good idea at the time. You were both on the rebound, looking for something familiar and comfortable to ease the pain. And it worked. So much so that you decided to get engaged three months later. Because, why...
7 tags
Photo Fun Friday #42: Nothing says classy like...
The photo:
Analysis: Not a joke, the caption for this photo reads: “Reporting in Lahore, after a suicide bombing.” You know what that means, folks? It means our subject has serious boundary issues.
If you think it’s okay to post a picture of yourself — no matter how smoking hot you look — interviewing a man with human blood splattered across his clothing on a...
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OKCupid Profile Analysis: That depends on your...
User basics: Female, 21, Aquarius, Atheist, doesn’t want kids, has cats, strict vegetarian, British, looking for new friends (seriously!)
First impression: What is a friend? Someone whose shoulder you cry on when your mother steals your jelly beans? Someone who borrows your front-clasping bra and never gives it back? Someone who sleeps with your brother and doesn’t tell you until...
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Photo Fun Friday #41: Stand up comedian in open...
The photo:
Analysis: “This picture is a joke… but still freaken awesome :)” We’ll be the judge of that mister minister-turned-comedian.
If you’re over 23 and eating a non-cannabis lollypop at a place where they serve rose-colored martinis to girls in sequined dresses, you’re out of line. If you’re doing so with your shirt three-quarters unbuttoned,...
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Photo Fun Friday #40: It's called a straight leg...
The photo: Analysis: Not going to lie — that is impressive. What it has to do with dating, I’m not sure (though I think we all know what it has to do with sex).
But let’s examine the context for a moment. This was not taken mid-performance or even in a rehearsal studio. It was instead taken (probably) during a thinly-attended rooftop party somewhere in Brooklyn. Which makes...
8 tags
Photo Fun Friday #39: Necrophilia -- it's what's...
The photo:
Analysis: The juxtaposition of a plentiful bosom with zombie bite-induced facial flesh wounds is a daring move that confronts potential suitors with a key question: would you fuck a dead person?
After seeing this picture, I’m undecided.
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Photo Fun Friday #38: The Canadian Tuxedo
The photo: Analysis: If I look that good at 48, I’ll be downright ecstatic. Hell, if I live to 48 I’m throwing a party (a birthday party even!). But if I ever go full Canadian Tuxedo in a non-novelty (e.g. and esp. dating profile!) setting, I invite everyone to kick me square in the balls.
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OKCupid Profile Analysis: "You are the 99%" Part 1...
Not to undermine what is OKCupid’s main selling point — besides, of course, its price (and those lovely quizzes that reveal which Power Ranger you’ll end up in a threesome with) — but the match percentages they offer are highly suspect. It’s true — if someone is a 50% match, things aren’t going to work. False negatives are almost nonexistent. False...
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Photo Fun Friday #37 -- Dating's like riding a...
The photo:
Analysis: “Hey — remember that time I got drunk backstage at the Simi Valley Theater Company’s production of Death of a Salesman, put on that sombrero, and rode around on my brother’s BMX bike?”
“Sure. We all do.”
“I think I’m going to use that as one of my OKCupid profile pics.”
“…”
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Photo Fun Friday #36 -- Hey, Randall -- we're...
The photo:
Analysis: I don’t care if your LP is on iTunes and Spotify — unless you are a rock star, or look remarkably more attractive while holding a guitar, the “here’s my band” photo is out. Not only does this picture tell us that our subject has horrible taste in color (what is that — vanilla pudding yellow?), but he takes his band way more seriously than...
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Photo Fun Friday #35 -- Hawaii is for lovers (and...
The photo:
Analysis: I’m replacing all my OKCupid pictures with images of beautiful landscapes and unrecognizably small people. This looks like ad for one of those Tamron lenses with the 18mm-270mm zoom (minus the zoomed-in shot that actually shows us how well the lens works, and just whom the lens is pointed at). All I’m wondering about when I look at this picture is: a) who took...
9 tags
Photo Fun Friday #34 -- I use it to trap small...
The photo: Analysis: Nothing says “high status” like a lifestyle that allows someone to grow a two-foot-long beard. If our subject isn’t a teamster or a roadie, it’s very likely that his only sources of income are regional beard-growing competitions (though not national ones — he’s got a long way to go there). Unconventional and obstinate (he’s certainly...
7 tags
"I also have pots and pans": What his favorite...
Frankly, we here at Inspecting Cupid think the “favorites” question is a pain in the ass. It takes forever to fill out, never gives a complete picture of our tastes, and more and more it’s seeming as though everyone’s favorite movie is The Big Lebowski. That being said, user answers to this prompt are often the most fruitful for analysis, so today we’re going to look...
6 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: Really good at...
Another in a series of readers who insist we run their profiles through the Inspecting Cupid microscope.
User basics: Female, 18, Taurus, not-too-serious Catholic, has dogs, and dabbles in Italian
First impression: Warm, friendly, inviting — and brave enough to give her first name in her self-summary. I usually don’t give out that information until the third date, but I’m a bit...
8 tags
Photo Fun Friday #33: I'm the one in the shirt
The photo:
Analysis: What the hell is this — a DeVry University freshman orientation team building exercise? Do all these people know they’re part of the online dating profile of a girl who “could watch Elf on repeat” and lists “flip cup” among her major skills? How has this photo not been flagged and our subject — whichever one she is — not been...
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Photo Fun Friday #32: What? It's the most...
The photo:
Analysis: I’m not going to comment on the fake fur. I’m not going to comment on the T-shirt with the ghoul face on it. I’m not even going to comment on the bowling shoes.
I will, however, reference rule #87 of choosing online dating profile photos: never, ever include pictures of yourself that, were you naked, would be used as marketing materials for adult...
8 tags
Photo Fun Friday #31: "This must have been...
The photo:
Analysis: If you’ve ever wondered what the crotch of a 7-foot-tall, 47-year-old man looks like, today is your lucky day. Perhaps the most exciting thing is our subject’s missing toe, lost via frostbite while climbing Mt. Everest (we presume). Someone should message this guy and let him know that OKCupid is a dating website, not a medical malady picture database.
[Ed:...
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OKCupid Profile Analysis: "omg will you write...
“I can’t wait for you to make me look like an asshole.”
— Famous last words of a reader who requested this analysis of her profile
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User basics: Female, 18, Capricorn (and it matters a lot, so there!), vegetarian, bisexual, tumblr famous-ish, has (flamingo) pink hair
First impression: Oh, to be 18 again. Such great DGAFing taking place in this profile. Outside...
7 tags
OKCupid Profile Analysis: You mean a Minotaur?
A reader asks: Could you check out [username]? She seems okay, but there’s something bothersome about her. Am I just paranoid/picky?
User basics: Female, 21, Scorpio (!), bisexual, UK-based, laughing about her Atheism, likes animals but doesn’t want kids
First impression: I’m not scared of real horses — actually quite fond of them — but fake horses, distorted...
