Inspecting Cupid

OKCupid Profile Analysis: “omg will you write something about my okc profile”

“I can’t wait for you to make me look like an asshole.”

— Famous last words of a reader who requested this analysis of her profile

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User basics: Female, 18, Capricorn (and it matters a lot, so there!), vegetarian, bisexual, tumblr famous-ish, has (flamingo) pink hair

First impression: Oh, to be 18 again. Such great DGAFing taking place in this profile. Outside her main picture — which is actually quite solid — our subject includes two less flattering ones, one where she is “making out w/ a sandwich” (truth be told, it looks more like “hastily eating a sandwich,” but whatever), and another, “her favorite” picture of herself, where she is clearly doing her best impression of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” or something along those lines. Most of her questions are answered with what seems a mere flick of the wrist (metaphorically, speaking), and quite a bit of tongue in her cheek. 

Lies, all lies!: (My self-summary) “I can’t wait to have children I want a boy and a girl so I can name them Galaxy and Spud and I’m going to put them in beauty pageants from the age of one and be one of those moms who stands in front of the cardboard stage in the hotel ballroom behind the ex-miss-teen-tennesse/pedophile judges and does the talent routine along with their toddler in sweatpants and red lipstick”

Analysis: Well, at least we can walk away from that self-summary with keen insight into our subject’s sense of humor. Though that’s better than many profiles offer — the insipid  ”I have a great sense of humor” comes to mind — it’s still a classic question dodge. 

Imagine if in an interview you were asked “why do you want to join this company?” and you replied “it’s always been a dream of mine to melt rubber gloves using halogen lamps, but never on weekdays, so I thought this job would be a welcomed respite from that fantasy.” Lovely nonsense, right? Exactly what our subject is doing here.

Oh? And how’s that going for you?: (What I’m doing with my life) “blogging”

Analysis: Another funny but completely tossed off answer. Indeed, she’s got a blog. But if you click the “me” hyperlink there, you’ll find out that she’s studying animation, and she has a lot of fun doing it, and she’s not half bad. Why be so coy here? 

A few possibilities come to mind: either she’s taking this whole online dating thing as seriously as George W. Bush took anything, or she’s saving some ammo for the first date, or she’s not yet at that stage in her animation career where she has the confidence to admit to strangers that it’s something she loves doing.

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Way to blow your cover: (I’m really good at) “getting away with it”

Analysis: Clever but not too clever. Mysterious. A hint of a bad girl streak. Minus the lack of truly engaging information in this answer, it’s difficult to cut up. Who among us is not dying to know what “it” means here? Exactly.

Fake it til you make it: (The first things people usually notice about me) “i usually don’t know what i’m doing”

Analysis: Ah, a little humility to help lower the guards of her potential suitors. Very clever. The only reason our subject is ever unsure of what she’s doing is because she’s young. Other than that, she’s a Capricorn, and they always know what they’re doing. Unless they’re LeBron James, but there are exceptions to every astrological rule. 

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This is how it’s done: (Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food) “please look up a short film called the wonder hospital // tell me your favorite movies or music or food and i’ll tell you mine”

Analysis: Look up The Wonder Hospital. Don’t have time? Okay. Just click this link and thank me later. 

Another clever move here. Our subject shares a relatively obscure (but quite impressive) piece of animation (NB: it’s not at all obscure within the world of festival-circuit animation). In doing so, she indirectly reveals one of her main interests (animation) and give us a glimpse into her taste. Brava. Love the “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” coda, too.

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Did you mean “metlife.com”?: (The six things I could never do without) “avocados, google images, black coffee, animation, alarm clocks, fetlife.com”

Analysis: Though I’m not a fan of coffee nor alarm clocks, I must compliment our subject on her “six things” list — another honest response to help balance out the bullshit. (Except the fetlife.com inclusion, which is 91% likely to be a joke.)

[For a funny outsider take on fetlife, here’s Kenneth Arthur’s piece on it — @kennetharthurs on Twitter.]

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You’d love Sesame Street: (I spend a lot of time thinking about) “puppets, rap lyrics, optimism”

Careful, you’ll go blind: (On a typical Friday night I am) “furiously googling things”

Analysis: Raise your hand if you wish our subject had been more specific about what she actually Googles. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

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And I killed Tupac: (The most private thing I’m willing to admit) “i’m a rapper”

Analysis: Not too impressed with “rapper” here after “rap lyrics” in the “thinking about” answer above, regardless of whether or not our subject really takes the game seriously. (Yes, I just called the rap business “the game.” Whatever.) Points for not including some really crap lyrics here to prove that she is, indeed, a rapper. 

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Things and stuff: (You should message me if) “you do things // you should not message me if “your hair is pink” “i like your hair it’s pink” “your hair it’s pink is it real” “pink hair”“

Analysis: As someone who once sported fuchsia hair in 12th grade, I can relate with our subject, especially at that age. There will come a point (probably not) when people stop noticing that she’s got a blatantly unnatural hair color. Until then, just roll with the punches. 

As for the first half of her answer, she totally put a postage stamp on this one. “You do things” is such a noncommittal, I’m-done-with-this-shit answer. If anything, she should go full weird here — as she did with her self-summary — to bring this thing back to where it started. Symmetry is great. I-ran-out-of-good-ideas answers are not. 

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Final thoughts: Just because our subject is an Inspecting Cupid reader doesn’t mean she received a less thorough assessment. Her relatively light punishment on these pages resulted from the legitimate quality of her profile. Were I a college-aged person in the Bay Area, I would definitely send her a message, though whatever relationship we might have would be ill-fated, as I’d probably fall in love by the second date, and there’s no way that’d fly with this one (unless, perhaps, I kept it a secret for a year or two). 

There’s a fine line between goofing and honesty, and our subject does a mostly solid job toeing it. She could certainly stand to eschew some of her jokes in favor of a few more revealing moments, but on a website with people like this or this, she’s a breath of fresh air. 

OKCupid Profile Analysis: You mean a Minotaur?

Photo Fun Friday #29: He’s the original Luigi

The photo:

Analysis: Nothing says sexy like a 40-year-old dude licking his lips. Except, perhaps, a 40-year-old dude licking his lips while wearing a Luigi costume. 

Though Luigi is taller than Mario, and not betrothed to royalty (albeit fungal royalty), I have it on good authority that he’s a pederast, and a rather incompetent plumber. Hey, at least Yoshi’s good at his job.

The only good news is that our subject — who isn’t actually Luigi, mind you — clearly made this costume himself, which will be great for when you two date and he proposes matching Statler and Waldorf outfits. Halloween 2012 is going to be awesome!

Photo Fun Friday #28: I’ve always wanted to date a level 80 Shaman dwarf

The photo:

Analysis: I’m not into mohawks and leather jackets and creatures who can inflict both melee damage and ranged damage (seriously, Shamans are the shit, or so my World of Warcraft-playing father tells me), but I’m sure some girl might be.

The photoshopped blur effect has got to go, though.

Photo Fun Friday #27: Katniss Everdeen called — she wants her headlamp back

The photo:

Analysis: If this is your main (and only) picture, you must include the following words and phrases in in your profile: 

• Falconer
• Archery
• Trail running
• Iceland
• Hunting

And — of course — she does.

OKCupid Profile Analysis: Cheese and Dinosaurs

User basics: Female, 25, Capricorn, Bostonian, mostly vegetarian, lover of dogs, hater of cats, owner of a username including the dreaded “-osaurus” suffix

First impression: A reader submitted this profile for review with a barebones note which read: “Just look at every picture…” And, yes, that sums up this disaster pretty well. We were greeted with this:

Who could possibly like meteorites?: (My self-summary) “Likes: dinosaurs, nintendo, cheese products, the internet, iced tea (the drink not the rapper), laughing, seafood, playing music, walking, bubbles, piñatas (not the candy inside, just beating a piñata), Parks and Recreation, and pumpkin seeds. // Dislikes: Meteorites, being stressed out, people without any sense of humor, running, sweets, and monkeys.”

Analysis: Turning one’s self-summary into complementary “likes” and “dislikes” lists is not the worst approach out there, especially when a solid dose of humor is employed (the piñata business is priceless). And while Ice Tea is probably somewhere stewing over the fact that our subject mistakenly believed his first name contained a “D,” he’s now less relevant than Carrot Top, so the error doesn’t matter. But to diss meteorites — the heart and soul of shooting stars, perhaps the most romantic of all astronomical phenomena — is to lose significant nerd support, a demographic our subject can, in no way, live without. 

More importantly though, just look at every picture…

Hard work is the reward for hard work: (What I’m doing with my life) “I work a lot, probably too much. // In case you were wondering I’m a musician and tech geek.”

Analysis: Nobody was wondering that. We all deduced that based on the words “nintendo” and “playing music” in your self-summary.  

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Not so good with adverbs, though: (I’m really good at) “being social awkward.”

Analysis: She’s not kidding here. Really. Just look at every picture…

The world may never know: (The first things people usually notice about me) “why is she making that ridiculous face? // I look better in real life than photos… but uh duh!”

Analysis: It seems, perhaps, that our subject is attempting a brilliant gambit here, including only her least flattering pictures, thereby discouraging the more extreme creeper element from contacting her. Unfortunately, if she does, indeed, look better in real life than she does in the photos (and, honestly, when is that ever the case?), she’s definitely lowering the bar on the men she’s willing to hear from. Don’t believe me? Just look at every picture…

Then why didn’t you list “reading” in your likes section above?: (Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food) “I like reading like a lot.”

Analysis: This answer reads like one of those essays children are required to write to demonstrate compositional skills. However, this child started her essay at 11pm the night before it was due, wrote her first sentence, and then fell asleep at the kitchen table, only to be roused by her mother’s banging pots and pans to signal that the bus had arrived and it was time for school.

Really, though, this answer is mostly uninformative and downright irresponsible. Next time leave this blank — you’ll go from being that girl who half-assedly answered the favorites question to the girl who mysteriously left the favorites question blank. Major upgrade there, like going from a Toyota Yaris to a Toyota Prius. 

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*Shakes head*: (The six things I could never do without) “Cheese x6”

Analysis: If a woman answers the match question “Do you want your partner to be kinkier than you?” with “Not possible,” the last thing you want to see in her “six things” answer is the word “cheese,” especially with a six-fold multiplier next to it.

Rule #253 of online dating: unless you’re from Wisconsin, cheese can never, ever be considered sexy.

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I hear Ice Tea is looking for backup dancers: (On a typical Friday night I am) “Busting out my sweet awkward dino moves all around Boston.”

Analysis: Really though — just look at every picture…

You mean like Jesus Quintana from The Big Lebowski?: (You should message me if) “you laughed… (this profile is clearly a joke, but most of the information is accurate though a bit exaggerated) // Or are a handsome gentleman with flowing, silky, dark hair. =p // Please don’t message me if you don’t understand why I said I dislike meteorites and/or monkeys.”

Analysis: If your goal is to ensure that nobody ever writes you, challenge potential suitors with impossibly difficult tasks, such as explaining why our subject has beef with either meteorites or monkeys. I defy anyone to give a reasonable explanation for her distaste. 

Our subject is also dropping one of those nasty no-self-confidence bombs here with the “this is a joke profile… but it’s all true!” move. She’s apologizing for who she is by claiming that she’s not really this person, when it is patently obvious that she is this person, exaggerated or not. 

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Final thoughts: For a girl looking exclusively for sex (in the sex vs. true love match question, she states she doesn’t have time for true love, as she’s a “busy independent woman.”), Ms. ___osaurus Rex does all she can to kill whatever libido her suitors may have brought to the table by unleashing the least flattering photo spread since the original Celebrities Without Makeup site’s Avril Lavigne exposé. We get it — you’re a goofball. That’s great. But this is a dating site, not a worst-of-GPOY tumblr. If you must, go ahead an throw in one goofy shot, but at least give suitors a chance to fantasize about how hot you may actually be, rather than crushing that illusion before they even meet you. 

And lay off the meteorites. For serious. 

OKCupid Profile Analysis: I hope you LOL’d!

So, not four days ago, a reader submitted a profile for review, one replete with angst, anger, and a list of seven things he hates about the women he meets on OKCupid. Gold by any standard, especially ours. Sadly, either our subject wised up, or someone alerted him of just how bad he sounded, and so he fixed his self-summary. Thankfully, by “fixed,” we mean “improved marginally,” and we’ll now give this 31-year-old aspiring pediatrician the business. 

It was between me and Plato: “I used to have a lengthy dialogue about myself, but I think you can get a gist from the facts below”

Analysis: If my child’s pediatrician doesn’t know the difference between “monologue” and “dialogue,” there’s no way he’s going to know the difference between “small pox” and “chicken pox.” And that’s a problem. 

(NB: “Monologue” still isn’t right here, as it implies a speech of some sort.) 

We’ll be the jury and executioner, too: “I’m working through my first “real job”, and my head is about to explode! LOL (Too smart or too much school? You be the judge…lol)”

Analysis: This is some of the most baffling self-summary text we’ve come across. First, it’s unclear what constitutes a “real job,” and how it is — that at 31 — he’s working through (vis a vis simply “working at”?) his very first. Why is his head going to explode? Is the job particularly hard? Is he suffering from tension headaches after 30 years of enjoying life without a “real job”? And is this all so funny that it warrants not one, but two, LOLs? 

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Corporate thug bassoonist: “I enjoy rap, but I’m not a thug. So if you’re looking for a thug type, I’m probably not what you’re looking for. Well maybe a corporate thug (shout out to Jay-Z). Interestingly enough, I used to play in an orchestra prior to college. So YES, I am diverse.”

Analysis: 43-year-old (!!) Jay-Z, before becoming one of the biggest names in hip hop, shot his own brother in the shoulder and sold crack cocaine in Bedford-Stuyvesant. If that behavior doesn’t fall under the thug umbrella, we here at Inspecting Cupid have no idea what does. We still love Jay-Z, though.

Also, let’s can it with the “I am diverse” business. Individuals cannot, by themselves, be diverse. Individuals can possess diverse interests, talents, and tastes in foreign film, but that’s it, buddy. 

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Photo Fun Friday #26: Real lobster, fake terror

The photo: 

Analysis: Lobsters, despite being crustaceans, are actually wonderful house pets, ranking somewhere between mid-level dogs and potbellied pigs. They’re clean, hypoallergenic, and can learn up to fifty words.*

Always be mindful that when selecting pictures that show your “fun” side, your “fear face” — as it’s known in runway modeling — belongs as far away from your online dating profile as possible. If you must include a less attractive photo of yourself — “for honesty’s sake” — use a crying picture instead.

As for our subject, she is, no doubt, one of those girls who will — at every wedding she attends — inevitably hear the phrase “wow, you clean up well.” She’s stubborn, lives by her own rules, and has mastered the fake roller coaster scream. But hey — at least she has access to lobsters. So, for all you non-Kosher non-vegetarian types out there, this girl is a real catch.**

*These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, and may be completely fabricated.

**Pun most definitely intended.

Photo Fun Friday #25: What also floats in water?

The photo: 

Analysis: Is it me, or does that duck look like it’s half a second away from clawing that poor girl’s face off? Anyway—

Dog pictures show compassion and a sense of adventure. Cat pictures reveal a love of books and sweaters. Even fortune-telling chickens have their place. But ducks, especially ducks desperate to escape to the nearest Subway (where ducks eat for free!)? Absolutely worthless. The only reference to ducks that should ever be made in a profile? This one, obviously.

Photo Fun Friday #24: Is that a…?

The photo: 

Analysis: No. It’s not an orange-tipped penis. But if you’re slightly far-sighted and/or squinting/viewing this picture on your mobile device, there’s a good chance you mistook that gentle goose’s face for the procreative end of the less fair sex. Yikes.

The moral of the story? Always rotate your photos, kids! 

(Or, you know, eschew phallic animals when choosing your pictures.)