“I can’t wait for you to make me look like an asshole.”
— Famous last words of a reader who requested this analysis of her profile
User basics: Female, 18, Capricorn (and it matters a lot, so there!), vegetarian, bisexual, tumblr famous-ish, has (flamingo) pink hair
First impression: Oh, to be 18 again. Such great DGAFing taking place in this profile. Outside her main picture — which is actually quite solid — our subject includes two less flattering ones, one where she is “making out w/ a sandwich” (truth be told, it looks more like “hastily eating a sandwich,” but whatever), and another, “her favorite” picture of herself, where she is clearly doing her best impression of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” or something along those lines. Most of her questions are answered with what seems a mere flick of the wrist (metaphorically, speaking), and quite a bit of tongue in her cheek.
Lies, all lies!: (My self-summary) “I can’t wait to have children I want a boy and a girl so I can name them Galaxy and Spud and I’m going to put them in beauty pageants from the age of one and be one of those moms who stands in front of the cardboard stage in the hotel ballroom behind the ex-miss-teen-tennesse/pedophile judges and does the talent routine along with their toddler in sweatpants and red lipstick”
Analysis: Well, at least we can walk away from that self-summary with keen insight into our subject’s sense of humor. Though that’s better than many profiles offer — the insipid ”I have a great sense of humor” comes to mind — it’s still a classic question dodge.
Imagine if in an interview you were asked “why do you want to join this company?” and you replied “it’s always been a dream of mine to melt rubber gloves using halogen lamps, but never on weekdays, so I thought this job would be a welcomed respite from that fantasy.” Lovely nonsense, right? Exactly what our subject is doing here.
Oh? And how’s that going for you?: (What I’m doing with my life) “blogging”
Analysis: Another funny but completely tossed off answer. Indeed, she’s got a blog. But if you click the “me” hyperlink there, you’ll find out that she’s studying animation, and she has a lot of fun doing it, and she’s not half bad. Why be so coy here?
A few possibilities come to mind: either she’s taking this whole online dating thing as seriously as George W. Bush took anything, or she’s saving some ammo for the first date, or she’s not yet at that stage in her animation career where she has the confidence to admit to strangers that it’s something she loves doing.
Way to blow your cover: (I’m really good at) “getting away with it”
Analysis: Clever but not too clever. Mysterious. A hint of a bad girl streak. Minus the lack of truly engaging information in this answer, it’s difficult to cut up. Who among us is not dying to know what “it” means here? Exactly.
Fake it til you make it: (The first things people usually notice about me) “i usually don’t know what i’m doing”
Analysis: Ah, a little humility to help lower the guards of her potential suitors. Very clever. The only reason our subject is ever unsure of what she’s doing is because she’s young. Other than that, she’s a Capricorn, and they always know what they’re doing. Unless they’re LeBron James, but there are exceptions to every astrological rule.
This is how it’s done: (Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food) “please look up a short film called the wonder hospital // tell me your favorite movies or music or food and i’ll tell you mine”
Analysis: Look up The Wonder Hospital. Don’t have time? Okay. Just click this link and thank me later.
Another clever move here. Our subject shares a relatively obscure (but quite impressive) piece of animation (NB: it’s not at all obscure within the world of festival-circuit animation). In doing so, she indirectly reveals one of her main interests (animation) and give us a glimpse into her taste. Brava. Love the “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” coda, too.
Did you mean “metlife.com”?: (The six things I could never do without) “avocados, google images, black coffee, animation, alarm clocks, fetlife.com”
Analysis: Though I’m not a fan of coffee nor alarm clocks, I must compliment our subject on her “six things” list — another honest response to help balance out the bullshit. (Except the fetlife.com inclusion, which is 91% likely to be a joke.)
You’d love Sesame Street: (I spend a lot of time thinking about) “puppets, rap lyrics, optimism”
Careful, you’ll go blind: (On a typical Friday night I am) “furiously googling things”
Analysis: Raise your hand if you wish our subject had been more specific about what she actually Googles. Yeah, that’s what I thought.
And I killed Tupac: (The most private thing I’m willing to admit) “i’m a rapper”
Analysis: Not too impressed with “rapper” here after “rap lyrics” in the “thinking about” answer above, regardless of whether or not our subject really takes the game seriously. (Yes, I just called the rap business “the game.” Whatever.) Points for not including some really crap lyrics here to prove that she is, indeed, a rapper.
Things and stuff: (You should message me if) “you do things // you should not message me if “your hair is pink” “i like your hair it’s pink” “your hair it’s pink is it real” “pink hair”“
Analysis: As someone who once sported fuchsia hair in 12th grade, I can relate with our subject, especially at that age. There will come a point (probably not) when people stop noticing that she’s got a blatantly unnatural hair color. Until then, just roll with the punches.
As for the first half of her answer, she totally put a postage stamp on this one. “You do things” is such a noncommittal, I’m-done-with-this-shit answer. If anything, she should go full weird here — as she did with her self-summary — to bring this thing back to where it started. Symmetry is great. I-ran-out-of-good-ideas answers are not.
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Final thoughts: Just because our subject is an Inspecting Cupid reader doesn’t mean she received a less thorough assessment. Her relatively light punishment on these pages resulted from the legitimate quality of her profile. Were I a college-aged person in the Bay Area, I would definitely send her a message, though whatever relationship we might have would be ill-fated, as I’d probably fall in love by the second date, and there’s no way that’d fly with this one (unless, perhaps, I kept it a secret for a year or two).
There’s a fine line between goofing and honesty, and our subject does a mostly solid job toeing it. She could certainly stand to eschew some of her jokes in favor of a few more revealing moments, but on a website with people like this or this, she’s a breath of fresh air.